


Forgive My Shattered Heart

by Jeniouis



Category: Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cheating, Controversial, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage, Past Child Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Past Incest, Past Rape/Non-con, Past childhood sexual abuse, Triggers, almost break-up, emotional breakdowns, whump!Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 12:38:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1605476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeniouis/pseuds/Jeniouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had never cried about this since it happened and at first he was determined not to but then Tony wrapped his arms around him, whispering, ‘I’m so sorry, Steve, God, I’m so sorry’ over and over in his ear. Steve looked up at Tony who was still by his side, even though Steve broke his heart, even though Steve hurt him so bad and Steve knew that he could break with Tony, just completely fall apart and maybe his husband will still love him enough to piece him back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgive My Shattered Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Myfo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myfo/gifts).



> I'm going to rewrite this because this isn't the direction I meant for this to go but I hope you all enjoy it. :)
> 
> Also, I'm sorry if Steve is OOC.

"Tony, baby, listen to me. Please, believe me. I am so sorry. I won't ever do it again." Steve said as he watched Tony pack up the last of his bags from his perch on the side of the bed, their bed.

His mask was starting to break, his facade was starting to crash. Steve didn't even realize he loved Tony this much but he did and he never wanted him to leave. Especially not like this, not in anger and hatred, not after so many hurtful words and a broken heart.

Tony never stopped what he was doing; he kept grabbing clothes out the dresser and ripping them out the closet as if he hasn't heard a word that Steve had said.

"Tony, I love you. I swear I do. I made a huge mistake. This is all my fault; I can admit that. I broke our trust but at least let me try to rebuild it again." Steve was starting to sound desperate, starting to beg. Tony stopped dead in his tracks, still bent over a chair to stuff some jeans in his travel bag.

"You still love him." Tony said his voice tight and strained as if he was holding back a sob. It wasn't a question. It was a statement. A very false statement.

"No Tony, I don't. I don't love him. I thought I did when I first saw him on that bridge. But I..." Steve hung his head in shame as he remembered his crimes, the sinful things he did when Tony thought he was just out on a mission. "I found out that I didn't."

Tony scoffed as he started to pack again, "I don't blame you Steve. It’s not all your fault."

Steve could tell that there was something Tony wasn't saying, something he was keeping internal and he hated that, he wanted to know what Tony was thinking no matter how hurtful it was.

"I woke up one day and my whole life was over. Everything was gone in a blink of an eye to me, like a permanent dream. There was never any closure. I was just handed a new life and a new responsibility and forced to just move on with it." Steve paused and chanced a glance over to Tony, who was leaning on his hands on the dresser. His expression was softening, filled with both hurt and understanding.

"Go on." Tony said dryly and Steve almost didn't want to but he knew he had to be honest with Tony to get him back.

"Then I thought I had gotten over it. I found my niche in with the team, with you... But then I saw Bucky but he wasn't Bucky anymore; he was some broken, scarred cold-blooded killer yet the only piece of my past I had left. I figured that it was my fault and my responsibility to try and save him, my duty to bring him back if I could. And so Sam and me went after him and when we brought him back to SHIELD and he started recovering, I started to see the old Bucky that I used to know in him and… one thing led to another. It was only once and I’ll never do it again.” Steve promised desperately and Tony chuckled, a bitter, humorless huff from his chest.

“So it wasn’t that good, huh. Well seventy years of celibacy will make you rusty.” Tony shot at him and even though those words hurt, Steve knew he only said them because Tony was hurt himself. They both feel silent at that, an uneasy, uncomfortable silence but Tony was still there and Steve was trying to find the words to make him stay.

"Did you let him top you?" Tony asked suddenly, his voiced holding some venom.

"No." Steve said honestly.

"Did you do it in our bed?" Tony asked and Steve's jaw dropped.

"No, no. I would never do something like that." Steve said hurt and sincerely and then there was silence again. “When I lost everything, I only remembered the good things about the people I lost and I forgot about all the bad. I forgot that I could never really let go and be myself around Bucky.” Steve paused and looked at Tony who was fidgeting with a shirt he had in his hands. “I never told him about the things I’ve kept secret about myself.”

Tony scoffed, “You never tell me those things either.”

“I know.” Steve said and sighed. He was going to before all of this happened, before Bucky, before his infidelity, before Tony's broken heart.

“My father was a drunk." Steve said not really knowing how to say what he wanted to say. "He used to beat me and my mother. She tried to keep me safe but back then… women didn't have as many options. They were stuck with whatever situation they were in." Steve paused and chanced a look at Tony. The engineer was now facing him, watching him curiously.

"Are you telling me this just to get me back or do your really want to share this?" He asked coarsely but Steve knew he was sincere.

"Both." Steve said and all Tony did was nod so Steve continued. "One night, when my dad came home in a drunken stupor and he beat her until he passed out. When he did she got up and left and never came back, she just left me there.”

"Jesus" Tony gasped quietly and he hesitantly sat beside Steve on the bed.

"I was only five years old when she left and I always thought that she would come back to save me but she never did." Steve let out a shaky breath and Tony wrapped his arm around his shoulder and pulled him close. He was still hurt, Steve could tell and maybe he'll always carry that hurt with him but he still cared about Steve, he still loved Steve. "I used to think that it was my fault, that she left me because I was a bad person just like my father. And maybe I still do feel that way, I don't know."

"I'm sorry." Tony said so softly and Steve rested his head on Tony's shoulder.

"Then I met Bucky and he was always there for me and he started to protect me from my father and let me stay with him and his mom some nights. But when we grew up I noticed that Bucky always saw me in that light, always saw me as someone who needed to be protected but that's not what I wanted. What I wanted was someone I could be myself with and could see me as Steve not just a poor potential victim who needs protection. And I thought that after the serum I could get Bucky to see me like that but he still saw me as the asthmatic, small kid from Brooklyn.” Steve paused and looked at Tony who was becoming tense but he still nodded his head for Steve to continue.

Steve took a very deep breath, preparing himself before he told Tony the most intimate, painful part of his past, “A few days after my mother left and my father started to realize that she wasn’t coming back, he started touching me and when I got older he would lay me down in their bed and…”

Steve stopped to ground himself. He had never cried about this since it happened and at first he was determined not to but then Tony wrapped his arms around him, whispering, ‘I’m so sorry, Steve, God, I’m so sorry’ over and over in his ear. Steve looked up at Tony who was still by his side, even though Steve broke his heart, even though Steve hurt him so bad and Steve knew that he could break with Tony, just completely fall apart and maybe his husband will still love him enough to piece him back together.

“He started raping me when I was eleven.” Steve said, his voice strained as he started crying on Tony’s shoulder. “It hurt so much… and I begged and begged for him to stop but he didn’t and he told me to shut up and take it like a man. I remember thinking, after the first time he did it, that I would never want feel that again. I never wanted to feel something inside of me like that again.”

Tony held him even tighter, “Oh Steve, I am so sorry. If I had know-.” Tony started, guilt heavy in his voice but Steve shook his head.

“No, no I… I couldn’t do it with Bucky. When we first got together, I wanted to take it slow but Buck wanted to jump in the bedroom a lot quicker than I was comfortable with and he kept pressuring me until I gave in. Buck didn’t care about who was top or bottom, he just wanted sex but I felt like I had to do it. Like I didn’t have a choice and that wasn’t what I needed. I couldn’t even handle it. I think I got everything mixed around in my head and thought that I had to be forced or else I wouldn’t be man enough to go through with it on my own. But then I was frozen and I was thawed and I met you and at first we argued but you were the only person who helped me get used to this new world and you were slow and patient and everything I needed. And I knew that you would be the same way in the bedroom so I let you top me. I trusted you enough to not hurt me or push me and you didn’t, you were always everything I needed. But I never thought I deserved you or the way you treated me and then Bucky was back and I felt sorry and when he started remembering and everything he went back to pressuring me and asking me to do things I really didn’t want to do but… I’m not as strong as people think I am. I’m weak and if you keep pushing me, I’ll bend. And that’s what I did and I hurt you so bad. I’m so sorry Tony and if you want to leave, I don’t blame you but-.”

“Shhh, no darling. I’m not leaving. It’s okay.” Tony soothed him and kissed his cheek. “I’m sorry too, I should have known you better. I should have known you wouldn’t just do something like that for no reason. It’s okay; we’ll work this out okay. I’m so sorry that all happened to you.” Tony said honestly and caringly.

Steve nodded through his tears and he wasn’t just crying now, he was bawling, letting all those years of suppressed hurt and distress coming back up but Tony was holding him, promising him that everything would be alright and Steve believed him.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed it. :D
> 
> Please leave feedback and feel free to criticize; I am always looking for opportunities to grow.
> 
> I’ve launched an E-Zine where people submit their favorite fics and the best ones get published in the zine. I’m doing this because I want to create something that acknowledges fanfic writers and makes them feel confident about themselves while bringing people of different fandoms together. To submit your favorite fics, go [Here](https://goo.gl/forms/h0LI8s7WGgZV2gBl1)


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